Les,
It has been about 12 years ago since I came to your house on a warm summer’s evening to confront you about something horrific you did to me over a long period of time. I feel like there is so much I need to tell you now that I was not able to tell you then. When I arrived at your house I was so enraged at what you had done to me that I wanted to kill you. I had everything planned out and was expecting you to deny what you had done and I was going to use that as my excuse. To my surprise you did not. You admitted everything and begged for forgiveness. For that I am grateful, and I truly believe that over the past decade I have come to a place where I can truly say: “I forgive you”.
You first showed up in my life at a time when I felt low and ashamed because my dad had committed suicide a few years earlier. I remember my mother taking me and my sister to school after the Christmas holidays when I was in 3rd grade and she had to explain why we had missed a few days of school. It was because my dad was dead. I remember feeling tormented by the thought of him not being there for me anymore and what my friends in school would say about it. I was scared kids would ask me questions about details and that I would not be able to control my emotions. Feelings of shame dominated my thought life because I never thought I was good enough for anything or anyone. I remember thinking that I was not enough of a motivation to keep my father from wanting to kill himself. Was I not that lovable? Was I that bad of a little boy that my own father had to end his own life? What did I do to deserve this? People tried to comfort me by telling me Bible verses like Psalm 146:9
“The LORD watches over the alien
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.”
Where was God in all this? I know I believed in him but I felt like I had to wait and wait for that comfort. I remember my mother wanting me to have a good father figure in my life and she thought your taking me under your wing was probably an answer to prayer. She could have not been further from the truth.
It all started when I was in 6th grade. It happened when “The Pirates of Penzance” was being rehearsed in Esch (Luxembourg). I remember sitting one evening in the back of the theatre with my math homework on my lap, struggling with some problems. You came and introduced yourself, sat next to me, and helped me. I remember having my book, which was hard bound, on my lap. You were able to think straight and help me with my homework, and at the same time gently press the book into my genitals. I remember feeling shocked and tried to convince myself that you were unaware of what you were doing. In my head I tried to minimize your actions so that I would not feel so ashamed. I remember during another rehearsal you helped me again. I remember sitting in the back praying and hoping you would not notice me so this would not happen again. You found me and sat next to me but this time, you had the nerve to put your hand underneath the book and rub my penis as you helped me with my homework. I felt deeply ashamed, scared, and confused. How could a man who is so loved by everyone be capable of such a disgusting act? Was there something about me that screamed “easy target”? You found the perfect person, a little boy who did not have a daddy to protect him and a boy that already felt the shame and responsibility of his dad’s death. You took my shame and you magnified it to the point where there was nothing I could do to get away from the pain. You made me feel so helpless, sick, and worthless that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I so desperately wanted a father to come and rescue me but there was no one. You then found the one hobby that I had enjoyed and used it to exploit me even further – stamp collecting. You told my mother that you had a huge stamp collection that I could sort through at your house. The regular appointments to your house started. I tried to hope for the best and still tried to convince myself that you were normal and did not mean any harm. I know my mother had no idea what you were doing but deep down I knew that what you were doing was evil. I remember the first time you picked me up and drove me to your house. I remember the sick feeling and hoped that someone else would be there so you could not continue what you had started. I remember the walk from the front door and up the stairs to that little room in your house where it all happened. Nobody else would be home but you would still make a point to lock the door behind us – just in case. You had me just where you wanted me. You made sure you sat between me and the door so I had nowhere to go. You made me stand to your left as you sat next to me so your hands could so easily fondle my genitals as I used my hands to sort through your unending collection of stamps. I remember feeling relieved that at first you never unzipped my trousers but was I fooled. I remember every little detail, the smell in the room and me trying to focus on a spot on the wall to try and take my mind off what you were doing to me. I wanted nothing else but to get out of that situation. I remember the threats you made after my first visit with you in your house. “Robi, you had better not tell anyone about this, or else”. What were you going to do to me? I just remember being fearful of you hurting the only parent I had left. Where was my comfort that was promised to me? Who could I turn to? Would anyone have believed me if I had said something? I also remember my mother having to have to deal with problems between herself and my sister, and I felt like I had to keep the peace in our family and not make my mother’s pain even worse. I wanted to be the “good boy” who did not cause my mother any further hardship. I have never felt so utterly alone and sick. I felt the same way about myself as I did about you. I hated myself. The abuse seemed to go on for months and months. My mother would make appointments for me to go over and see you and it would happen over and over again. On the inside I was crying and wanted to die. You offered me chocolate after every visit to make your robbing my innocence all worth-while. What a nice reward! Finally one day I reached my whit’s end. My mother told me that I had an appointment to come and see you after school. I remember feeling a deep sense of panic. I wanted to tell her what was going on but I was just unable to. I felt like I had to protect her and I thought nobody would believe me since you were such a loved person in the community. I made up lies to get out of the situation, I told her that I had too much homework and I could not go. She cancelled the appointment and I never felt such a relief in my entire life. I never came back to your house until that late summer’s night in 1999.
Like I said before, I truly believe I have come to a point where I can say that I forgive you, which has helped me tremendously in my healing. But Les you should be more concerned about begging for God’s forgiveness. Les, you hurt me in so many ways. The effects of your molestation on me have been numerous. In short, I believe they played a large role in the fall of my marriage.
Only recently have I really sought help and have been open about my struggles but I have had numerous people approach me since then who had experienced similar horrific sins committed against them. For the first time in my life have I been able to fully comprehend what Christ did for me on the cross. I knew that I needed to believe in what Jesus did so I could be rescued from eternal damnation in hell, but never really grasped how his death and resurrection could heal me from the pain that I struggled with that seemed so impossible to conquer on my own. Part of my recovery has been my being able to acknowledge that inside me was a little boy who was hurting and crying and just needed a hug and someone to tell him that he was loved. I hated that little boy and that self-hatred dominated my life. I became an expert at hiding it. I tried to build myself into a competent man and succeeded in many things but deep inside those feelings of worthlessness prevailed.
Les, I can only imagine that deep inside you is also a little boy who was deeply hurt and needs someone to tell him that he is loved. I cannot do that but I do know someone who can, someone who has. Christ wants to break down the barriers that you’ve allowed Satan to construct deep in your soul. Your sin and demons have become such a part of you and you have long ago become an expert at pretending. You’ve always been a very gifted actor, on and off stage. I pray for you that you will see your wicked ways and that you would truly repent so your soul won’t be entrapped in the depths of hell for eternity when you die. The apostle Paul puts it simply: “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). God made us to have fellowship with him, but our sins have put a division between us and God and make that fellowship impossible. The Bible also makes it clear that all have sinned and we all fall short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23).
Paul explains briefly how sin came into the world and how it has infected humanity and has resulted in our complete separation from God. He also tells us how Christ’s atoning death has made a way of reconciliation to God possible. “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned— for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law. Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the one who was to come. But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man’s trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. And the free gift is not like the result of that one man’s sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:12-17). “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree" (Galatians 3:13).
Les, I urge you to take these verses seriously. Sin is an issue of the heart, and your heart is so corrupt that you have allowed yourself to be disillusioned. Your arrogance has caused you to think you’re invincible. Psalm 139 tells us that God is able to know every evil thought that comes into your head and everything you do in private, and he knows every single boy that you have molested. I encourage you to think of every little boy (and girl) who you have molested and confess what you did those people, if you can even remember all of them. There is no hiding from God. You have accrued an enormous amount debt towards God – your pile of debt increases every time you have a lustful thought, look at a kid with evil contempt, molest a child, ignore your wife, or do anything that is contrary to God’s law. If you made a list of all the kids you had molested and all the people you hurt and tried to make it right with them, you would never be able to succeed in doing enough good things to make yourself acceptable to God. Les, the only way you can get your sins forgiven is if you have someone cancel that debt that you have accrued. God made a way for us to be reconciled to him by sending his son Jesus as the scapegoat for our sins. “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21). Jesus, because he was of the seed of the Holy Spirit and is also God, was able to live a life without sin and ultimately had to be killed for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God. Jesus lived the life we could never live, a life without sin, a life pleasing to God. He died the death that you and I deserve to die and he then gives us his righteous standing before God. Martin Luther calls this “The Great Exchange”. This is true and underserved love, the Bible calls it grace. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Spiritually speaking, you are dead in your sins. Paul explains this further: “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him” (Colossians 2:13-15). Jesus triumphed over our spiritual death by taking your/my sin upon himself and dying on the cross as a substitute so that we, through him, can have eternal life. Jesus is “the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world” (John 1:29). Les, the only real difference between you and me is Jesus. We all deserve eternity in hell but God longs for us to turn to him and repent of our sins. You are to “put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:5). Repentance is not just saying that you are sorry for what you have done but it is a complete change of attitude from your lifestyle as you acknowledge your complete helplessness without Jesus in your life. “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved” (Romans 10:9-10). In summary, what you must do is recognize that you have broken God’s law and that you are completely separated from him. God has every right to give up on you and throw you into hell for what you have done. There is absolutely nothing that you can do in your own power to make things right with him. After you recognize that you have broken God’s law you must confess your sins, repent and accept that what Christ did on the cross for you was enough. I would encourage you to read the entire book of Romans because it tells us how we are to die to ourselves so Christ can live through us. You are in bondage to your sins and until you accept Christ’s free gift of salvation you will end up in hell. I know this is not politically correct but it is the truth. I do not know how much longer you have here on earth, only God knows. Your days are numbered and I highly encourage you to act quickly.
God is unable to tolerate sin because of his holy nature and the natural consequence to sin is punishment, or the unleashing of his wrath. There is no escaping his wrath, it is coming. But the good news is that Jesus absorbed his entire wrath when he died on our behalf on the cross. There is no more wrath for those who believe in Jesus - heaven awaits them! But for those who reject his sacrifice, hell awaits. I pray that God would reveal himself to you in such a way that you cannot escape his love and forgiveness. He has paid the price for your sins. NOTHING you can do can save yourself! He did it when he took your sins upon himself and was killed. He did it for you because he loves you. All you have to do is ask for his forgiveness and believe in what he has already accomplished. His blood literally has the power to wipe you clean. This is only the first step. Once you do this though God will see you just as he sees his own son, Jesus – perfect and cleansed from all unrighteousness. This is the freeing message of the gospel. There is a way out of this bondage. As you already know, you are enslaved to your sins but Paul also talks about how and why we can be set free from our sins. “We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions” (Romans 6:6-12). When you accept what Christ has done for you and repent from your sins, you will be ransomed from your futile ways, that you inherited from your forefathers, by the precious blood of Christ (1 Peter 1:18-19). You will also be justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:24). Paul goes on to say that Christ “has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins” (Colossians 1:13-14). He adds “for by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:8-10).
Acknowledging what Christ has done for me has lifted the shame that I have carried around for years. I know my worth is not based on what I have done (or what you have done to me) but on who I am in Christ and what he has done for me. Since I spoke to you 12 years ago people have told me to be “selective” about who I tell about this because of how others might perceive me. These worthless pieces of advice only resulted in increased shame and your increased control over my life. This letter is out there for the world to see. For years, a large part of my identity was associated with the abuse that you committed against me. This is no longer the case. With time, I am learning who I am in Christ and my identity is secure in him. I now want to be known as the man who was sexually molested as a child and through God’s grace was able to overcome it. I want to share the message God’s grace that is given to us through Jesus to other men who have been molested so they can find freedom. As sick as this may sound, if I can help one little boy who is crying out for help just like I was years ago, then your abuse towards me would have been worthwhile. I no longer carry that shame with me and you need to know that there is a way that you can be relieved of your shame. I know you probably hate yourself but I know that Jesus loves you enough to die for you and he longs for a relationship with you. Please act quickly because your eternity depends on it!